It's not about me.

For the first time ever in an Ultra marathon i told myself i wasn't good enough, Unfortunately the worst thing about it, was that i believed it.

I've been "given" 2 crystal goblets before for completing the whw, for the first time in the 2014 race, i felt like id truly earned it.  I'm pretty dogged and stubborn at the best of times, but for the first time in an endurance event, id put myself to where i felt beyond my physical and mental capability. I was broken and beaten and had decided enough was enough. I decided to give in.

2014 wasn't my best year training wise but with the fling and another few longer runs under my belt i believed i'd done enough to finish the race comfortably. I'd had trouble with my stomach and vomiting during the fling but id put that solely down to trying to keep pace with Davie Gow and Bob Steel initially for the first 20 and blowing up thereafter. Lesson learned… I decided a new strategy was in order for the whw so to give you an idea i was 50 mins slower going into Balmaha this time round and all seemed well. Had a quick bite and filled the water bottles and off i popped. I was pretty much plodding along steadily amongst a group for a while when i started to feel twinges again similar to the fling. I knew what it was all about so i slowed it down even further but alas it hit me. A couple of boaks and then everything i had in my stomach came hurtling up. Half of it still undigested which i took as a bad sign for getting any energy from it. I wasn't too far from Rowerdennan at this point so meandered in and saw my support team, i mentioned being sick so avoided the kinda heavier things and stocked up on smaller bite sized stuff, had a couple of mouthfuls of a humous wrap then walked out for about a mile or so. After starting the climb up out i took a quick swig of water, proceeded about 15-20 yards, buckled over and heaved everything and anything i had left in me out into the bushes. Without wanting to bore people too much this basically happened from here-on in till Inversnaid any time i tried to as much as sip a capful of water. As per the west highland way races style several runners asked if i was ok and offered assistance and alternate foods etc. but id tried a few things and was weary the more i was being sick the more energy i wasted. Its probably worth note to point out my legs and feet and everything were fine, i just wasn't sure how far my body could take me on an empty fuel tank. For 2 hours solid i thought about how i'd wasted my Wife and Family's time and that id continue to do so for as long as i decided it was all about me and how far i could go. I was tired, i was sick, i was weary and i was never going to finish. I was a let-down. Game over i said, You're not good enough this time.

 I walked what seemed like the longest 2 miles of my life into Inversnaid and plopped myself down on the seat beside the big fan. One of the marshals gave me a bottle of water and asked my number whilst i fumbled for my phone to txt them and tell them i was quitting when i reached the farm. I was too cowardly to look them in the eye and tell them. He handed me my bag and i opened it up to see if there was anything i thought i could stomach that would give me the energy to get where i could pull out. What i found in the bag literally knocked me for six.

My 7 months pregnant wife carol had stuck it in just because i wouldn't see them down there, it genuinely couldn't have come at a lower point for me. It was the first time i'd smiled in a very long time. Instead of filling my head with negative thoughts and feeling sorry for myself i started trying to break it down into other possibilities and actually getting a bit annoyed with myself. John Kennedy broke down a philosophy to me several years ago where he said "the army march around 3 miles per hour, if you were to do that for 30 hours you'd be at 90 miles and you'd have 5 hours to do the last 5",  "stop feeling sorry for yourself son" i said "and walk". So i did. It wasn't fast, it wasn't elegant but gradually i shuffled, walked, tripped and fumbled my way to Bein Glass. Once or twice id even managed to hang on the coat tails of some other runners for a little while till the familiar churning started and i eased back off a little, but for me the game changed dramatically. My sister heather had wrote a blog on the fling where she based everything on getting to Bein glass before the cut off, That became my new goal. Reach the checkpoints. If your not down and out and you can move one foot in front of the other then just move yourself in the right direction Craig, If they throw you out then its justified but if you give up then you WILL have wasted everyones time. I was over 12 hours into Auchentyre and as many folk know once your allowed your support runner its night and day mentally. Chris my sisters husband took me from Auchentyre to Glencoe via jelly baby hill where murdo asked for it back after i said i couldn't keep it down. Chris hadn't mentioned the furthest he'd ran this year was a 10k, all told he covered 34 with me wretching up bile and slurring words incoherently. I think it's given him the bug for it strangely? Id saved heather for the hard part, i had 2 bites of a toastie and asked for a half hours sleep to see if i could let it settle, i was just too weary i didn't have enough to go all the way totally empty. A few things happened en route to the devils too, i had a txt from iain wallace and a friend Gal out the blue telling me i had nothing to prove and to keep going Him, Matt and Gow were all routing for me, the tiniest things like that honestly felt like so much when digging deep and i really appreciated it. On the way up the devil the wretching and heaving persisted as heather tried to get me to control my breathing to combat it, then we noticed someone coming down the opposite way to retire. We tried to talk him out of it saying he still had 12 hours to go but i think he was in a bad way and had also fainted. Feeling the way i did and watching someone head back down i said to heather "I'm a little jealous of those guys to be honest, they'll be in a warm bed soon and we've still got this climb and then kinlochleven, its still a quarter of the way to go", "so what is it?" she said, "i dunno, i just feel like i really want to quit to", "Alright, well if you want to quit ill walk with you to the Nevis centre then and we'll tell them you're quitting ok?", "but the nevis centres at the end" i said, "i know", she said "lets go tell them…"

On the way into kinlochleven we had a laugh as on the decent i had my head down as the midges were bouncing off my face and eyes and id stopped dead as i saw a tiny newt. Heather noticed the sudden stop and enquired as to wether i'd lost the plot. "Theres a tiny lizard there on the ground isn't there I'm not seeing things am i?", she walked back "oh yeah, no theres definitely a tiny lizard there you're not hallucinating", "alrighty then, just so i can be sure though, what did he say to you?…" 

I think I've ran kinlochleven to the end in about 2 hours with Gow before, it took me Almost 6 having had another 20 min sleep at the bottom to let a can of Fanta settle. We saw the fire at John and Katrinas checkpoint and heard music blaring, by then you're kind of home and dry anyway but its always nice to see the friendly faces and know you're on the home straight. He gave us a target to get in under 29 hours and by all accounts we made it no problem. 

From the moment i gave up on myself, till the second i found the note from my wife, from Chris's first unofficial ultra (the furthest he's ran in his life is 19) to seeing dragons with heather, to my mum and dad (the latters land rover engine seized and he had to retire), from the phone call from Gow at the foot of the devils to the txt from iain and gal theres not a single ounce of me believes i done that on my own. It was by far my worst experience and poorest time ever in an ultra marathon event, but in my eyes  it was OUR finest hour.  Too often before i just assumed they'd be there for my every need and whim and without a glimmer of complaint or resentment my Family/Team have come through. This was maybe the lesson i needed to learn that it wasn't just about me and to be a little more appreciative of what i have and the sacrifices they make for what is essentially MY hobby. I know I'm not back next year as i have 2 friends weddings to attend on the 19th and 20th respectively, but who knows for 2016, i might have some unfinished business to attend to…

"i've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel' ~ Maya Angelou

I hope i made them proud, i know i was of them.

:-)